Author: admin

Hello! From a beautiful August day in Seattle. Such a blooming, lush, and sensory delightful time of year. The vegetables, flowers, shrubs and trees are all reminders of how we evolve through the many seasons of our lives. I hope you are all doing well or doing as well as possible in this historically challenging time.

I love the writing process and the spontaneity of it. I had a clear idea what I was going to write about today but that quickly changed. After starting this post, I got a phone call. After the call, I sat to meditate for a few minutes. During this time, it came to me that “Let yourself be enough.” I sat with the four words and let them float freely within me. Various images came of times when I had tried to be more came to me. In reviewing, I realize that, in fact, most of my life I have tried to be more. Who I am and what I do has never felt like enough. Can you relate? The phrase “Let yourself be enough” left me feeling plopped down in a foreign country. Alien. Strange. Maybe? Possible? Definitely worth giving some thought to. So here we are.

Let’s go back to the source: How d0 we get the idea we aren’t enough in the first place? We know that children are egocentric in that everything happening around them is about them. Think of all the things going on around you when you were born: Were your parents having financial problems? Were you the “oops” child? Was one of your parents ill, either physically or mentally? Was there addiction in your family? Other traumas that would have affected you as a child? Children want to fix things especially things that make the people they love unhappy. So, maybe at an early age, you decided it was your job to make a parent happy. You tried to be perfect and never a bother, to make their adult life as easy as you could. But, it didn’t work. If your parent continued to be unhappy then, as a child, you took this on as a failure. Maybe if you just tried harder. Or prayed harder. Or was just a better kid, things would change. This magical thinking sets a child up for doing more and more and never feeling like they are enough. They also become focused on “doing” rather than on “being” which is where the primary maturation process occurs.

Some of us spend our whole lives trying to fix things from our childhood. Every situation we go into is a struggle to “make things better.” It becomes our job to make positive outcomes happen. As a Substance Use Disorder Counselor, I have found that my peers in the field often come from family’s that were dysfunctional in one way or another. I have often asked myself “Are you still trying to heal your mother fifty years later?” *

Think about this: “Let Yourself Be Enough.” Let it sink into your cells, let your mind and heart absorb the truth of it. How would your life be different if you believed this? Could you slow down, be present in the moment, and focus on the being, not the ultimate accomplishment of doing? What would change if while validating goals, we told our children “you are enough”? It could change things couldn’t it?

For today, allow yourself to bask in the sunshine of your own personal growth. Like a flower, stretching upwards, but secure in the knowledge that for today, you are enough.

Blessings and love to you,

Mary LL
* We can have many motivations to choose the work we do in the world. Sometimes it becomes a passion, and wherever it starts (from wanting to save a parent or wanting to save the world), the truth is that good, meaningful results can be achieved from twisted beginnings. Just be aware that you must care for yourself because to sacrifice yourself for a lost cause out of unconscious motivations heals no one.

I can’t believe it has been over a year since my last Blog post. My head is full of recriminations “How could I call myself a blogger when I post once a year”; “I haven’t been THAT busy have I?”

So, no excuses. I haven’t been that busy but I have been in a pandemic funk where words have failed me. Words have been “my thing” since I wrote my first poem in fourth grade. But this past year has frequently found me without words. And to write a blog, one needs words. I am starting this post in the hope, that for today anyway, I will find words.

There has been so much grief. Massive amounts of disaster and death on Planet Earth and we are grieving. The stages of grief: Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Anger, and finally, Acceptance are being acted out on the human stage daily. I know that I go around with my mouth hanging open at least half the time with “Really??” echoing in my brain.

I knew that this pandemic would change our world, but I didn’t realize how much it would change us as individuals. I have to remind myself that stressful situations do not give me or anyone else the right to treat others poorly. That no matter how bad our day or our week or our year has been, it does not give us permission to violate our own code of conduct. And this is hard…sometimes harder than others…

This past year has been a balancing act. How do we keep apprised of what is going on in our world without being overwhelmed? How do we keep our center so that we are acting from our own wise selves when it feels like so many circumstances are catapulting us into dark, scary places? I find it happens, much like sobriety, one day, one decision at a time. For me, the first decision is to get up, get dressed, and move forward. There is a voice in my head that often says “What’s the point?” I try to counter this voice with words of hope, such as “It matters because there are things you can do as only you can do them.” This may include calling an ailing friend, making a loaf of bread for my family and/or friends, and lighting a candle and offering prayers for Planetary Healing. We have to believe we matter or else our presence has no value.

You do matter because you are you and no one else. That is each of our primary jobs on Earth, to become the person we were created to be. Whether you believer in a Higher Power, a God, or a favorite pair of socks, you were created as YOU. Now go explore who that is and what it might mean to be you.

I apologize again for dropping the words these past months. I did not do what I encourage you to do. I did not show up on this Blog. Instead, I ruminated, missing you, and refused to sit down at my desk and the computer and let the words come through me. In essence, I silenced myself. Please don’t do that to yourself. You matter. You. Just as you are. Celebrate your creation because each of us is a miracle.

Hang in, talk soon, and big healing hugs your way,
Mary LL

I apologize for my extended blog “break”. Like many of you, I too am finding my way in a changed world. I have found we all go into our “survival” mode when our normal coping systems are overburdened. For me, that means hiding mode. On the couch, covered in blankets and a book or tablet in my hand. Choosing to think “this will just last a little while, I can get through this if I just hunker down until it’s over.”

Six months in, it is clear “the little while” is turning into much more. The truth is, we are still here, life is still strange and uncertain, and we may be grieving losses we can’t even name yet. We are a hurting people, and looking for comfort to help us keep our equilibrium.

I, like many of you, have felt basic values and truths I was taught as a child and have learned to live with as a guide my whole life, are being challenged as never before. Our worlds may seem upside-down. People who don’t play by the rules we follow appear to be winning. People who live in integrity and truth, seem to be falling by the wayside. What has changed? What is going on? For answers we can look outside ourselves or we can go internally. Or we can do both and even more. Getting to a place where we no longer expect answers and simply live in the uncertainty of now is also an option.

Where are you today? What do you still believe to be true? What are you grieving? What brings you comfort in dark days? What keeps you going? So many questions and no playbook with absolute answers.

I have thought of you many times during the past six months, my recovery friends. As I struggle, I feel your struggles, though different from mine. I trust that you are continuing on your recovery road. It has been tempting to numb out and walk away, to go back to what you know will deaden the pain. But you haven’t or only briefly. Because once we know what doesn’t work, we are directed to continue doing what we ultimately know does work for us, even on days when we have serious doubts.

I wish I had answers for us all. The most I know is that whatever is going on outside in our world, I am called to follow the rules, to keep faith, to love others no matter what, and to cause the least harm I can to myself and others. All appearances to the contrary, no human is in charge of this earth. God is with us and guides us in the paths of righteousness. We can bank on this. Even when we wake up to a smoke-filled, yellow-tinged sky with an eerie stillness and no wildlife in sight, as we did in Seattle two weeks ago.

Today the sky is blue, the sunshine is out. Birds are singing and the squirrels are shrub hopping again. “These things too shall pass away”…nothing is forever. “Let it be”from Bible verses to Beatles verses, our comfort is here for us to draw from. May your heart be comforted and your mind be eased. You are loved.

With healing hugs and love,

Mary

It is the end of February. As I look out my window, I see the sun trying to come in. Trees, shrubs, and plants are beginning to grow with the promise of colorful blooms soon. Our three playful squirrels [I call them the Flying Wallendas] are chasing each other through the bushes. They love to jump off the fence and leap into the plants, one after another, causing the shrub to shake as they swiftly move from branch to branch. The birds are coming to the feeder more frequently. The raccoons have not appeared this year yet, though they will soon be making their way from trees to yard.

It is a busy time of year for the outdoors. Winter is winding down and the signs of life are accelerating as temperatures rise. I feel myself unfolding from couch and blanket and spending more time sitting on the porch, breathing in the crispness of fresh air. I find hope every spring when the fallow soil begins to prepare for spring growth. Just because we can’t see the growth underground in winter, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. With the first crocus or daffodil or tulips, we again have confirmation that all is “not what it seems.”

Can we apply this to ourselves as well? When we appear to be sitting in a period of “hibernation” is it possible we are evolving in spite of appearances to the contrary? I have learned that, for me, creativity requires stillness and an incubation period to come to fruition. It requires what I call “flow” time, with less structure and goals, less drivenness and focus and letting the mind and heart wander. This incubation period can be a challenge to allow to exist, because there are no tangible products to show for it until it has run its’ course. Writing the poem is the easy part for me. The sometimes excruciating part is the period of letting it sit in my subconscious until it is ready to reveal itself consciously. I have heard artists say the same thing, the period of waiting for the painting to come is the challenge. We want to take charge and control the process instead of letting the process have it’s way with us.

The recovery process is similar. We do what we need to do to maximize growth, but then we need to practice the truth of the Serenity Prayer. Admit we can’t control everything, do what we can, and let life unfold as it will. Much of recovery is about letting the unconscious become conscious until we find and feel ourselves to be a congruent creation. No longer at odds with our own best interests, we can make decisions based on the good of our whole being. This takes time, and more, it takes trust. Rebuilding trust with ourselves is a primary task of early-mid recovery. How can we begin to believe that we will make the best choices for ourselves when we have been systematically making poor choices? We begin rebuilding trust one choice at a time, by knowing that we are no longer the person we were when we were letting illicit drugs/alcohol make our decisions for us.

The saying “time takes time” applies here. Whether we are squirrels standing on the porch waiting for someone to throw peanuts in the yard, or birds trusting we will survive the cold of winter. Or humans seeking change, yet terrified of it, moving one step at a time, until we can feel ourselves changing and growing. Trust you, trust your Higher Power, and continue forward until you can know “It is well with my Soul.”

Enjoy watching the signs of spring coming forth, in yourself and in nature,

Mary

I can feel the world revving up. Holidays will be coming swiftly with the expectations we have for ourselves and our families. Whatever you are recovering from, it will be important to stay focused. Keep your center within yourself and try to take some time each day to sit and be present to yourself. Otherwise, it is easy to be swept into old behaviors that no longer serve us well. If mindfulness is ever more crucial, it is from October through early January.

My groups have recently been working on Assertiveness, Boundaries, and Anger. It is a good time to practice using our new tools as we explore, “Do I really mean ‘No’ but say ‘Yes’?” Or, “Am I uncomfortable with someone talking over me but afraid to say something for fear of losing this friendship?” It is important to be aware of who you are and what your priorities are. Overspending to prove love, overdoing to prove worth, and over imbibing in anything is a quick way to crash and burn.

Holidays are also a time to think about the whole. No matter what your spiritual beliefs may be, it can be a time of reflection. How do I fit into the whole? What do I believe my responsibilities to myself and others are? How can I make the world a better place?

As a world citizen, the past few years have been challenging. No matter what our politics, we have seen a dramatic rise in divisions, cruelty, and judgments towards each other. I have seen a rise in reactivity and bad humor that can make ordinary days more taxing. I think it is worth reflecting on how we can bring some “light” to a world that sometimes seems destined to drown in its own darkness. If recovery truly means, “To get something back” then hopefully, we can commit to getting back some of our light back and letting it shine.

My granddaughter learned the song “This Little Light of Mine” a few years ago. She sang it with such bravado and force that my ears would ring after she was done. Although I learned the song in Sunday school a few decades ago, I still sometimes find the words repeating in my head. No matter how dragged down we may feel, no matter how ready to give up, it is important to remember that each of us does have a light inside. It can reflect in kindness, in a smile to a stranger, in taking time to be present for someone else, or in holding ourselves gently. There are millions of different ways our light can illuminate the dark spaces in life. Owning and shining our light can be a way to empower both ourselves and others.

I wish you a light filled holiday season. May your light shine brightly as you heal yourself, and in so doing, heal the world.

Bless you,

Mary

The most delicious surprises can be those we didn’t plan or anticipate. It can feel as if we are driving down the road and instead of taking the usual route, we decide to take a side road we have not gone down before. It is filled with beautiful foliage and maybe a sneak peak at a mountain we would have missed on the freeway. We feel a sense of wonder and gratitude that by making that spontaneous turn, we have landed in a place of newness.

I’ve felt that way the past month as I’m sure you have too at times in your life. After a difficult winter, car accident, fall and concussion, and most difficult, losing two clients, I felt empty and in pain. I soldiered on, thinking the feelings would pass but they didn’t. In fact, it became more difficult to get up and go about my daily chores. I had to admit to myself I was depressed, heading to burnout, and it was time to make changes. After much soul searching, I decided it was time to leave my workplace. Not necessarily to retire, but to take a break.

This was a very painful decision as I love my work as a chemical dependency counselor, specializing in co-occurring disorders. I love working with my patients who daily amaze and inspire me with their courage and resilience. I felt grateful to have such professional and compassionate co-workers. How could I walk away from all of that? I finally decided I had to walk away for my own health. So, I gave notice for 5 weeks ahead.

Management approached me several times with contingency plans and one of them was an offer I could not refuse. I would work one day a week doing groups of my choosing with patients. I thought about this, prayed about it, discussed it endlessly, and eventually knew that this was such a rare gift my workplace was offering me. I accepted.

I start next week doing 3 separate groups, 8 total sessions a month. I have been on vacation the past two weeks with some working at home designing curriculum for the groups. It has been a challenge, but an exciting one. A chance to extend out of my comfort zone which was 1:1 meetings with clients. I’m not sure how it will go. I haven’t done groups for 8 years, and suffer from some performance anxiety, but I am optimistic that the clients and I will make the necessary transitions. I know change is hard, and it can be messy. I expect nothing less. Every day I encourage my clients to try something new, to reach bigger, to do what scares them in small baby steps. How could I do less?

I come from a family of educators, but in my early rebellion, dropped out of the education department right when I was to start student teaching English and English literature to high schoolers. Maybe that genetic base will come back and show itself now. Sometimes the most welcome homecoming is when we reunite with a part of ourselves we have walked away from years ago.

As letters go out to my clients, I hope after the “Eurgh changes!” they may feel, they too can say “Bring it on!”

Wishing you the best on your new routes that may find you in rewarding places!
Mary

Are you the sort who immediately begins writing your resolutions once the holidays are over? Or do you mull them over in your head without writing them down? Are you specific such as “I will lose 15 pounds this year” or are you more general “I will be healthier this year?” Or are you just too tired and/or stressed out to add one more thing to your mental “to do list”?

Maybe our hopes have to do with others, “I will help my daughter out with her children more?” or “I will volunteer more often at church.” A friend of mine made me laugh when she said “I will only commit to do one thing I really don’t want to do every three days!”

I remember when I had twins, my days seemed to be filled with chores that had to be done. I had to remind myself that I had chosen to have children (though not two at once), that I had chosen to nurse them, that I had chosen to use cloth diapers, and that I had ultimately chosen to commit my time to being a good parent by taking care of their needs. Did this mean I liked changing 200 diapers a week? No, not really. But I did take satisfaction in having clean, healthy, happy babies.

Just as we can like taking illicit drugs but not want the consequences, which lead us to quit using them; so can we make decisions about our lives that lead us to accept responsibilities we may not have chosen otherwise. How many of us would work if we were independently wealthy? Choosing to have a place to live is a decision that dictates having employment; choosing to be healthier can mean exercising regularly; having a close relationship means you can’t always have your own way and have to learn to share and compromise. Y0u get the idea! We get to choose the life we lead and along with that comes choices that may be unintended.

When you are looking ahead to 2019 remember to live each day with purpose and intent. Laughter is free and so is breathing the air. They both help us shrug off the challenges that will come. It is inevitable that if we continue growing, we will continue to come to those forks in the road. Choose wisely, and when you don’t, learn from them.

Happy New Year’s!
Mary