Author: admin

How often do you think of what you would like to change about yourself? Conversely, how often do you think about yourself in compassionate, positive ways? Are we harder on ourselves than we are on other people or are we generally critical of everyone and everything?

Is there a cure for this? Can we suddenly transform from a dissatisfied state of mind to one of contentment? I don’t think so, but we can begin to train our mind and heart to see the half full glass.

Gratitude: being grateful, seeing the good, thankfulness. Focusing on the good does not mean being in denial of the challenging, it means not focusing too much energy on it. For instance, in examining the lines around your eyes, you may miss the striking color of your eyes and the way they sparkle when you see a beloved person. In many ways, seeing the good is about recalibrating your attention to the positive.

One of my personal favorites is “Oh gee, I have to get up and go to work today.” Instead, “I am glad I have work that I like to go to today.” “Have to” tends to come with a groan while “I am glad” brings a smile. Words do matter and what we tell ourselves is what our body responds to by either lowering our energy level or by raising it.

When you look out your window first thing in the morning, what do you see? Is your first reaction to the day a groan, a sigh or possibly a smile? Each day is a canvas and in many ways, we choose the colors we will paint on it. Try to imagine what a month of such canvasses would look like if you painted them and set them all together. Of course there will be blah days, but if they overshadow the bright you might want to think about how you look at life.

We each have different temperaments and that is one of the mysteries that makes each of us unique. But we are also creatures of habit and maybe our attitude is more habit than temperament. Recently one of the my adult children told me “You tend to look on the glum side.” I was hurt, having always thought of myself as a cheerful person. But I took his words to heart and listened to myself for a week. Much to my chagrin, he was right. Somehow in the world inhabit, I had slid into a negative space more often than I cared to admit. Now I am trying to wait longer before I respond and see if my words are a reaction to previous events or if they are a reflection of what I really feel and think. Simple question: am I reacting or responding? Again, it’s our choice what we put out in the world. We rarely get to determine all the circumstances of our lives, but we always have the choice of how we will respond.

I encourage you to listen to yourself and determine if your words reflect the truth of who you are.

I am thankful for everyone who is looking within and choosing to live a conscious life. Thank you for what you bring to our Planet.

Peace,

Mary

 

 

This month the good news and the bad news are the same: The holidays are coming! How does one maintain alcohol and illicit drug abstinence when it seems like the whole culture is about partying and celebration? When too often, this means commercials and billboards with larger-than-life bottles of liquor and happy laughing people? How does someone in recovery navigate through this treacherous season without endangering your recovery?

The answer can seem simple: Go slowly and breathe! Take time to make decisions, refuse to get caught up in the mindlessness of the season. Dig deeper inside you and question what the holidays really mean to you? Is it a spiritual holiday for you? Is it a time to appreciate friends and family? Is it something you’d rather forego than give much thought to? What are your goals for the holidays—to simply get through them? To share some good times with family and/or friends? To meditate on your faith and pray for world peace too?

We are told what we “should” feel and do around the holidays. But as adults living our lives, it is really our choice what we do. If your family is a healthy place for you to be, by all means celebrate with them! If they are still embroiled in their addictions or if just being around them is a trigger for you to use, then cutting your visits short or even taking a sober friend to a family event is a good idea. Not going sounds harsh, but if it comes down to you relapsing or not, then the best thing you can do is to skip the events, activities, and people that will come between you and your recovery.

Many mutual support groups plan extra activities this time of year, realizing that people in recovery need safe places to be together with others in recovery. Check out your area to see where 24 hour events are being held. There is always company, food, and activities you can participate in through what may be difficult days to get through.

It’s hard not to, but try not to equate how much you care about people with how much money you spend on them. Time is a great gift to give, so offer to give someone an hour or two of gardening or to bake them something you know they like. Giving of yourself is always a cherished gift. I love it when my adult children write something for me. It means much more than a purchased gift because it truly came from their hearts.

What do you want this holidays season? List your top 3 goals, such as: Stay illicit drug and alcohol abstinent; Feel connected to myself and others; and Commit to kindness. Choose activities that support your goals. Let the others things go, breathe peace in, breathe chaos out. Remember you are creating a life that works for you. It doesn’t have to be a greeting card or a tv commercial. The life you create just needs to be meaningful to you.

May you find peace and joy along your chosen days,

Mary

 

 

If we look back on our lives, it is easy to see patterns that weren’t visible while we were living them. One striking pattern to my life, and I suspect to the lives of many others, is the unconscious need to fill the empty spaces I feel within myself. Whether it be with activities, food, illicit drugs, television, movies, buying, accumulating things or becoming overly involved in the lives of others—engaging in them ultimately keeps us from addressing the emptiness we feel.

Why? Because emptiness is scary. Could it be we are frightened that by acknowledging our emptiness it could grow and we could become “an empty person?” When I was young and enticing, I was basically hitting on a fellow at a party and he said “You are lovely and so tempting. But you are hollow inside.” He said it with a smile and though I wasn’t about to examine the truth of what he said then, his observation obviously stuck with me. It took me years to know what he meant.

When we put all of our energy into our image or our outside circumstances, that’s what we become “a hollow person.” But there is hope! By realizing our fear and by going into our emptiness, we can come to know it. We can accept it instead of trying to fill it up. And, as if magical, sometimes an acceptance of emptiness makes us seem less empty. When I am doing mindless, compulsive behaviors I try to stop and ask myself “What do I really need?” “What am I avoiding?” The answer is often, “I need to connect with myself, with all my feelings not just the feel good ones.”

When I am in pain, seeking out the things that comfort me so I can process the pain is more productive than the mindlessness patterns I’ve indulged so frequently in my life. Feeling my hungry soul more often involved prayer and meditation than shoveling food I don’t need into my mouth. Having a close friend we can call and say “I’m not sure what’s up but I’m feeling kinda empty today,” can lead to a conversation where you feel connected to both yourself and the other person.

I encourage and support you in getting off the merry-go-round that keeps your personal circus going. Sit back and see what patterns are yours.

Take care,

Mary

I love autumn in Seattle. The bare mountain ranges that surround us on two sides get their first dustings of snow and they sit magnificently against a very blue sky (remember the song?). Our trees in preparation for shedding leaves, produce a brilliant spectrum of oranges, yellows, greens, and reds. The air smells, well, like autumn.

I remember years ago, a friend who had been in recovery longer than I had (hi Phyllis), told me how trees were one of the first things she noticed in her recovery. She had never paid much attention to them before, they were just trees. Phyllis said that after she had been in recovery a few months, she started noticing trees: how different they are, how tall, how short, the selection of leaves and shapes they have. She was impressed with the wonder of trees! Her sharing has kept me seeing them with new eyes since then.

When we are in active addiction, little catches our interest except making sure we have our supply of drugs. It is interesting to observe people unfolding as they become illicit drug abstinent and begin to open their eyes to other dimensions in the world. People often say “It used to take me so much to feel anything, now everything brings a feeling.” When we have numbed ourselves, we cannot feel our pain but neither can we feel our joy. Recovery invites us to feel our feelings and to seek supportive, safe people who can accompany us on what can initially be a frightening journey into the world of being fully human.

I started my recovery in autumn. The season still feels as if it calls to me to go deeper, to question, to grow, to forgive, and to explore what is around me.  Remember that as human growth frequently occurs inside before it becomes evident outside, so is it with nature. That soil that looks dead and the plants which are not blooming are getting through winter. They will make it to spring where their blooms will erupt in riotous colors. So too will y0u bloom in your time. Take time to nurture your growth and enjoy the journey.

Take care,
Mary

 

Does it sometimes feel like your life is spinning out of control and it is all you can do to hold on?

No matter how hard we work at creating lives of peace and joy, there are times when, through no fault of our own, our lives are challenging. Events seem to be testing us and we may think “if I can just learn the lesson here, things will get easier.” Maybe sometimes the lesson is about putting yourself on neutral and much like a car that wants to careen down a hill, just hold on until the events slow down.

I apologize for not writing weekly recently. My life has been careening down that hill, and it has taken all my energy to hold on and stay the ride without jumping, screaming out of the vehicle! A beautiful great grandson arrived early and our circle united as a powerful force, putting all our energy into helping the little guy get through. And he did! After 8 weeks in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), he came home and is growing into a healthy little sweetie.

All other issues took second place and giving this family support and love became the priority. It wasn’t easy, each of us hit our “walls” of exhaustion and stress, but we supported each other in a way that makes me proud. Sometimes I’ve wondered as a parent what I was teaching my kids and how it would play out in their lives. As this experience went on, each of us marveled at how “we are really a great family (including friends who have become family) because we have been here for each other!” We learned that we can trust, count on, and know that we are loved within this caring community. It has given each of us a new appreciation and understanding of this  circle we are part of.

Life challenges us. Sometimes it feels like it will defeat us. Events outside of our control can lead us to feel battered and bruised. We can wonder “when will it get easier again?” “When can I just relax and go on?” The truth is, it is in those moments of fear and pain that we are, perhaps growing the most. We are learning to let go, to trust that life will not overwhelm us forever. To know that our friends and family have our backs as we have theirs.

If you don’t feel you have the circle of support you need, start becoming that for yourself and search out people you can trust to be there for you when you need them!

Neutral gear is always an option until you have your bearings,

Mary

 

What do you see when you look in a mirror?

Early in my own recovery, I was fascinated by mirror glass. I would pick up mirrors at garage sales and thrift stores, bring them home and shatter them. Then I would glue them to objects and make collages.

Once I spent an entire month with wood glue attaching numerous pieces of broken glass to a wooden circle. When it was complete, I looked in the mirror. What I saw was brokenness, my image splintered by the shards of shattered glass. At first I assumed it reflected my own brokenness. Then I realized the piece was telling me something more. One of my parents did carpentry, and what I had created was his image, not mine. But when I looked in the mirror, I had owned the brokenness as mine.

I realized that what I had been looking at was my parents’ brokenness as it was reflected in me. As kids, we own what our parents deny. When I looked in my parents mirror, I saw myself and claimed the broken shards of glass as mine. The next task of recovery was to separate their brokenness from mine. To claim mine and work towards healing it and to learn to let go of theirs.

Recovery is complicated. Life is complicated. But when you swim beneath the surface and look beneath the broken glass, you will be amazed at the depth of wisdom that lives within you.

Swim on,

Mary

 

 

Do you ever feel like you are spinning your wheels? Not comfortable where you are but not sure where you are going or indeed, if you are going anywhere?

There is a temptation during these times to rush out of uncomfortable situations or to rush into new situations. I have learned, through trial and error, that neither of these is usually the healthiest choice. I have cultivated a steady voice inside that says “Just hang on. Wait. Let this uneasiness be.” Which works for awhile, then the impatient me takes charge and wants to DO something NOW!

Child development expert, Piaget, has a framework regarding children’s growth that I have found is true for not just children, but people at all stages of life. We can be in equilibrium. We can be in disequilibrium. Just before a child makes growth strides in an area (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), they become highly dissatisfied with themselves and their life. Nothing feels quite right. They are outgrowing their “skin” and growing into a new “skin” and a period of discomfort precedes this growth leap.

I have experienced the same thing in my own life. I become grumpy, ungrateful, and annoyed with everyone and everything before a shift occurs. It is very uncomfortable while at the same time keeping me humble. It is hard to see yourself as a caring, grateful, evolving spiritual person when you feel like everything around you is a pair of jeans that won’t zip all the way up!

If you are relating to this, I encourage you to be patient with yourself. Adopt a Zen attitude of seeing your emotions run rampant while you hold steady to your center, waiting for those new steps forward to occur. It is easy to become impatient with ourselves when we aren’t who we know we can be, but this only keeps you bogged down in the discomfort.

My mantra during these times is, “I am a human being growing. Growing is messy and doesn’t always feel good. this will resolve. Change is a blessing I am honored to be part of.”

Bless you on your changes and your patience to walk through them,

Mary

 

How often do we stand outside a new experience looking in? We may imagine what it would be like to be IN the experience. Perhaps fears and questions crowd our mind: What if I take this step to acknowledge I have a problem with alcohol? Or with food? Or with relationships? If I say the words, will I be required to take action? Will I have to be responsible for myself and how will that impact my life?

We can want a map that will tell us what will happen if we choose A or if we choose B? Will we be allowed to go back to our old state or will we be forced to move forward? Change is the willingness to enter a new place. We open a new gate and we walk through it, most of the time unsure of what it will mean for us and for those we love.

When I started recovery, I heard “at first you will be driven by pain to continue on your path,” but later “you will be invited by the positive things that are happening to you.” For me, that was true. I was in the worst pain of my life when I started recovery. The only thing I was sure of was that I could not stay there. I had to work harder than I had ever worked in my life to change. Early recovery was all consuming and it was months before I began to understand what was happening to me. I wanted to give up many times, but was motivated to continue because I didn’t want to be stuck in the pain I felt.

Eventually, I did become motivated by the good changes in my life. It’s difficult to explain and I’m sure it is different for everyone, but my experience was as if I was finally growing into my self. A self I had never known before and a self that I felt love and compassion towards. Sometimes I look back and give thanks that I “fell” into my recovery. I realize I could have died without ever living “my” life, just going along unconsciously making decisions without knowledge of who I really was. I feel comfort in knowing that if I am to die today, I have had the joy of living a life that is mine. Recovery brought me to a knowledge of myself that put me into the picture.

I encourage you to explore yourself, to begin to understand who you are and why you are. I encourage you to love the person you are. And to have compassion for all you have lived through and for all those gates you opened, even when you couldn’t see what was on the other side.

Go forward with courage and hope,

Mary

 

Do you ever wonder why you are you and not
someone else? As a child, I used to stand in the stalls in the girls bathroom in grade school and wonder about this until my small body shook with the intensity of wanting to know the answer.
Church offered reasons: “God made you just the way you are.” But WHY God? Science told me “genetics” determined who I was. Psychology told me “You are a mix of nature and nurture.”
Eventually I came to realize that we are partly a mix of genes, our environment,  cultural factors, etc. And then there is us. The us that makes choices, the us that seeks to understand ourselves and our world, the us that (if we are fortunate) eventually comes to recovery and seeks to go beneath the learned behaviors to the heart and soul of ourselves.

It is in recovery that we find the truth of ourselves. In reconnecting with this truth, we can begin to live an authentic life. It is a blessing, a choice, and a lot of hard work. We must be willing to face hard truths about ourselves, put aside easy lies, and grapple with acceptance of what is in favor of what we wish was.

There is a saying “The truth will set you free. But first it will make you miserable.” The person who came up with this knew what they were talking about. Truth is not easy, truth is hard won and it is individual. The truth of my life is not the truth of yours. Even siblings, raised in a common home, may perceive the same circumstance in diametrically opposed ways.

Come to know your perspective and own it. I invite you to get acquainted with the person you are deep inside. Maybe then you will have an answer to the question “Why am I me?”

Wishing you growth inside and out,
Mary

I was doing some gardening today. It feels good to dig in the dirt, put seeds into the soil, cover them over, and then wait for them to germinate. Or even better, to place already growing plants into new soil and watch them grow in all directions.

With plants, it is easy to see, over time, what they need. I often end up moving a plant around several times to discover where they will achieve optimal growth and health. I always remember a purple vine that nearly died until I put it in a west window. There, it grew over ten feet long and had lush and velvety leaves. It looked happy in that spot!

We can apply this to ourselves as well. What environments nourish you? With whom do you feel that you become the best you? Do you feel yourself wilting and become a “lesser” you around some people or places? Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Is it time for a change? Where do you belong? With whom do you feel safest?

Have you outgrown your old spaces? In recovery, we frequently tell people, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” To stay in your old pre-recovery skin, is to doom yourself to stagnation. Are you feeling bored? Maybe you’ve outgrown yourself and the life you used to lead. Is it time to step out of your comfort zone and move forward? You don’t have to make leaps, small steps become big steps over time.

Change can be scary but even scarier is staying in a life that was created by a pre-recovery you. As you change, your life will reflect this. Let yourself grow and trust yourself to your changing life. You don’t want to be like a misplaced plant, shriveling up and dying because you aren’t getting the “nutrients” you need. Be like that ten foot purple vine whose leaves grew large and velvety and that went further than it ever imagined it could go.

Let go and grow—

Mary